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14-Aug-2020 17:08
While my wife appliance shuttles kids to T-ball practice and dentist appointments, I’m here with you. No, no she doesn’t turn me on at all.) Feeling off balance? Is there anything else you want to know about my recovery?I really don’t want you to feel like I am purposely keeping anything from you. Here are some things that are okay and even important to keep private.I would love you to write about “What married men tell other women, to get them to join them in the affair.” Such as my wife doesn’t pay attention to me, we no longer have intimacy, we stay together for the kids, my wife is going through menopause , she no longer turns me on… It’s very obvious to me that she’s just another number on his mistress list. I appreciate your faith in my powers of snark, but sarcasm has its limits. Simon axiom — “It’s not that they don’t see, it’s that they disagree.” It’s not that the OW doesn’t KNOW she’s an Other Woman, it’s that she disagrees that this will end catastrophically. And when you have that kind of super special once-in-a-lifetime connection on Ashley Madison? I am currently on step four and am finding it to be a struggle, but it is important to me so I am not giving up even though sometimes I feel tempted to.Fortunately my sponsor is there to talk to me when I am feeling overwhelmed.
I’d love to spend more time with you, avoiding T-ball, but I’ve come, and you haven’t, and so it’s time to leave. My wife is going through menopause Which means she’s at least 15 years past her sell-by date. (Hell, I’ve got grandchildren I don’t know what to do with.) She no longer turns me on. A stiff breeze, an errant thought of National Geographic, those Sears ads for thermal underwear. I know a married woman who’s having an affair with a married man, and she thinks he’ll leave his wife for her. Dear Friend, Your enlightenment energies would be better spent informing the OW’s clueless chump, rather than trying to convince the OW she’s not exceptional. In fact, I’m sure many chumps here have unearthed correspondence and discovered exactly what their married partners said to their witless enablers… Don’t let her hold you back.” Men tell me all the time that this is the kind of advice they are being given. And it can feel like such a relief to hear that her rage and withdrawal and mood swings are not your fault. I say this not to shame you, but to hopefully help make all this a little easier on you. She is doubting everything because you gave her reason to. Ask her how you can help her feel safer about your recovery. Instead of being frustrated that she is not where you would like her to be in her healing process, consider how blessed you are that she is still here at all!
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One way you can make your relationship with your wife go a little more smoothly is to keep her informed of what your recovery looks like and even allow her to be involved. Ask her what you can do to make her feel like she is a part of your recovery. If your wife is the one who sent you this article, don’t get upset or feel like she is trying to control you. The above examples of what wives want and deserve to know can feel daunting.
When sex addicts are in early recovery, their wives (if they have chosen to stay in the marriage) live in fear. Your wife learned early on that she “didn’t cause it, can’t change it, and can’t control it.” So where’s the balance? Does that mean you can’t focus on your marriage at the same time? I’ve seen it happen enough to know it is possible, even in the direst of circumstances.
