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27-Sep-2020 00:42

Our lazy tour continues through scalding footbaths, UV face lamps, rose-petal steam rooms and bath-like floatation pools.After four hours our winter bones are warmed to summer beach levels and we're keen to complete the true German spa cycle.With a new sense of liberation we walk around the main Vitality Oasis lake.Similar to the Tropical Paradise pool, it's an inviting mineral-rich pond surrounded by Japanese steam baths, bubble massagers and hundreds of white reclining loungers.We're then dumped from a height – still screaming – into a bath-like pond.

Others steam outside in thermal rockpools, wallowing like blissed-out manatees. The likes of King Edward VII and Russian Tsar Nicholas II "took the waters" in ritzy retreats such as Bad Homburg and Marienbad.Soft music mutes any noise from your naked neighbour.There's just enough light to read a newspaper by, but most of us doze on the contoured beds.Known as Galaxy, it's a mile or so of state-of-the-art slides, chutes and rapids.

We take an elevator up to the highest slide (yep, no stairs to climb here) and recline on a two-person inflatable sofa. My spatial awareness is governed only by my wife's open-mouthed screams and the g-force in the pit of my stomach.

Honestly, swimming and drinking beer in the nude is such a novelty that we can't help ourselves.

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